> TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - The GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy
> Wine News Network completes yet another stunning and successful year in
> promoting the alcohol business in Ontario, in co-operation with the
> Liberal
> Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation
> of
> A Have-Not Province Run by The Grate McGinty. Our shareholders are
> extremely
> happy.
>
> What did we accomplish this year? In yet another stunning upset, GOSH
> Wine
> News Services had swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards for bold
> and beautiful false and fake news
>
> Breaking stories appeared on the Foxy Wine News Network and the Canadian
> Wine Hacks and Flacks Association -- stories about the former
> CellaredInCanada wines, for example. Our spoofs and parodies for 2011
> totalled about 50, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest,
> most
> penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the
> spoofs are based are real.
>
> Top investigative journalism led to coverage of the LCBO now selling
> wine at their Ontario stores in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine
> scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master
> of Wine Writing designation and MWW courses, and the purchase of the LCBO
> by
> RIM.
>
> More recently, GOSH and Foxy uncovered the Robert M. Parker Jr.
> Retirement and Farewell Tour, the LCBO being slammed by Black Friday
> sales,
> finding rogue vineyards in Niagara, the PIIGS Bake Sale and Fundraiser in
> Ontario, and announcing the signing of the provinvial auditor as a
> freelance
> writer for GOSH.
>
> All stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet
> http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.
>
> Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an
> empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring
> and
> Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in
> Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".
>
> PS: Don't forget the Christmas and Holiday shows at Foxy Wine News
> Network -- "Snag It, Bag It, and Tag It" (guide to cheap Christmas wines),
> "Mulled Wine Escapades", "LCBO Eggnog Special Competition", "Durham
> Warehouse Christmas Show" (live), and "Bubbles, Not-the-Charmat Express
> Hour".
>
> Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com
>
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
New FauxVoixVinCuisine writer tells all about wholesale-retail wine pricing
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 viewers on a nightly basis, is proud to announce its latest wine writer: government auditor Jim MacCarter. Truth is stranger than fiction: You simply cannot write this kind of parody/spoof…
He files this story from Queens Park--
"Recently I tabled my annual report with the Ontario Legislature, which (with the consent of the Grate McGinty) runs the Have-Not Province of Ontario. One of my highlights was noting that the alcohol wholesale pricing structure meant that wine, spirits, and beer cost more than necessary and that the monopoly makes lower profits than it could.
"In effect, I'm taking the Liberal Control of Beverages in
"A Wal-Mart would certainly go back to their supplier and say: 'Would you sell it to us cheaper?' We think a lot of suppliers would sell it to us cheaper, basically to get that shelf listing. The provincial monopoly is one of the biggest alcohol retailers in the world.
"Nobody else has that buying clout. The purchasing differs from private-sector retailers, which try to find the lowest wholesale prices. Instead, the Board focuses on the retail price it wants to charge for a product. Suppliers then work backwards and, at the Board's request, will raise or lower the wholesale cost of the product to fit within the company's price structure."
Apparently, The Grate McGinty's Finance Minister agrees. The Treasurer added that the Board's pricing polices are "counter-intuitive."
Stay on board for this one, folks -- it's compelling…
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Foxy Wine News Network announces Christmas Holiday shows
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just over 4,000 viewers on a weeknight (fewer on the weekend), today announced its Christmas Holiday television line-up.
On Monday, December 12, at 9 PM (after the kiddies have gone to bed) enjoy "Snag It, Bag It and Tag It" – a guide to every cheap wine offered by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. It's a two hour show, with about an hour for red wines and an hour for whites and roses. It is the same sort of deal as offered by the Board's "Brood & Think" magazine, that is, the entire shot is paid for by underachieving wine agents who must make ends meet in this age of The Scrooge. Repeats endlessly after every
On Tuesday, December 13, at
On Wednesday, December 14, again at
On Thursday, December 15, at
On Friday, December 16, at
Then, on Saturday, December 17, at
On Sunday, December 18, at
Foxy hopes you enjoy all these shows. Keep informed.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Rogue Vineyards found in Niagara
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proud home to over 4,000 viewers each working weeknight (more on unemployed weeknights), has learned that the Niagara Peninsula is using Google Earth to find rogue grape vineyards that don't have the proper permits.
Many of these vineyards are hidden away under the shelter of orchards. The town of
Such vineyards are extremely valuable; indeed, more valuable than the orchard canopies that they lurk under.
Violators were told to get the proper permits. So far about $65,000 in fees and penalties have been collected.
Agricultural inspectors said such vineyards were a taxing concern. Without the required inspections there was no way to know whether the vineyards were up to clonal standards.
"Consumers must be protected from scam grape varieties" said one inspector. "A Chardonnay musque must be a Chardonnay grape, not a
But some privacy advocates, such as those at Foxy Wine News Network and the GOSH Wine News Services, say the use of Google Earth to find scofflaw vineyards reeks of Big Brother and the Liberal Control of Beverages in
More on these rogue vineyards as the situation develops…
Sunday, November 6, 2011
PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.
Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.
Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.
And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to
Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.
In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.
Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in
More on this impending disaster as it happens…
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.
Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.
One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.
Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"
The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.
"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this
The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."
More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens…
Monday, October 10, 2011
Fw: BREAKING NEWS FLASH: The Onion to "align" with Foxy Wine News Network
NEWSFLASH -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!
TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with the Canadian version of The Onion newspaper.
Originally, The Onion had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that The Onion had prior exclusive rights to satire and sarcasm in Canada. They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM) is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that The Onion is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, The Onion has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.
From November 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all Canadian vinous happenings for The Onion, and The Onion will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.
In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.
Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....
Saturday, October 1, 2011
LCBO to deconstruct under Whodat
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that Tom Whodat, the leader of the Official Opposition in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will seek to deconstruct the LCBO after he wins the election, by renaming it the "Limitless Conservation of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat".
Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.
Policy advisors have suggested that international wine purchases will be de-emphasized while
But
Other advisors have suggested that a good Scotch and soda is just the ticket for
More on this story as it develops…
Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Foxy Wine News Network shut out at recent Emmys & Geminis
TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network is bitterly disappointed that it did not win any Emmy or Gemini Awards this season.
When reminded that the Network is relatively new with no product before the closing date, the CEO said: "That shouldn't matter. We put our hearts and souls into our work. We worked really hard and we deserved the Awards based on the work that we did. After all, don't school kids get marks for just working hard, no matter whether they are right or wrong?"
He went on, "We broke many stories…on the new red-light district in Toronto for drinking, the fact that Canadian blended wines were going to drop terroir, the WikiLeaks booze material release, the fabrication of the VQA system in 1992, and the concept of SomewhereElse wines."
"Plus, of course, the development of the LCBO buying and selling wines only in Euros. What more could the Emmy Academy of Television Arts want?"
When reminded that programs must be NOMINATED first before they can get an Award, the CEO said, "Oh, right. Maybe next year."
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced
TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be a Wine Writer….
MWW I topics will include:
– how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;
- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;
- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;
- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;
- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;
- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;
- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;
- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;
- how to pretend ignorance;
- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;
- how to get free wine glasses for life;
- hoe to make yourself indispensable;
- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;
- how to ask questions at wine functions;
- how to get a free lunch everyday;
- how to recognize a wine pariah;
- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);
- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;
- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;
- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;
- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;
- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;
The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.
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