Foxy Wine News Network: April 2011

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Geneticists to splice new genes into Canadian grapes.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network was stunned to learn earlier today that Frankenwines are on their way to Canada.

No, not wines from Franken Haut-Rhin in Germany. Frankenwines, as in Frankenstein…

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

The top secret scientific enclave in the wine world, centered at the Canadian Wine Research Institute in Saskatchewan, has apparently been hard at work developing new genes for splicing into grapes, to make the grape more wine-worthy.

They've managed to create a grape with the Canadian zombie gene, the one that makes you return to the store to buy much more of the same wine.

From Steven Harper's DNA (which is apparently freely available for cloning purposes from the Conservative Party of Canada) the engineers have spliced in the cold gene to automatically create Icewine grapes, no matter what global warming climate change is doing. They have also combined the Canadian zombie gene with the Harper gene to create a demand for more Icewine among Canadians.

But the triumph may be with the geneticists who have now spliced in the oak gene to red wine grapes. This will save wineries about $1500 a barrel, barrels that they will no longer need to purchase, and allow them to reduce prices.

All new genetically-modified wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

Foxy Wine News Network team found dead.

TRAWNA – (GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network Services) – The entire GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network team has died after consuming a critter wine.

Early reports show Dean Tudor, Miffed Mole, and Brett Grimsby suffered from serious wounds – resembling animal and dog scratches – that covered their bodies. Their tongues and mouths, though, were untouched. The pathologist who performed the autopsies said this inconsistency is down to the fact that the three were expert wine tasters with golden SuperTaster™ palates. Obviously the critter wines were too smooth and innocuous to make dents in their taste buds.

Colleagues said these news editors and writers had recently received threatening notes, which were addressed to them and anonymously left in the broadcast studios of the Foxy Wine News Network.

Dean Tudor had just spoken an Editorial in the studio slamming the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province which had just changed its management model from an Open Mind concept to a Face Value concept.

Brett Grimsby had just turned in his video Editorial favouring the retention of water in CellaredInCanada™ wines and the subsequent dilution of FruitWines™ in Ontario.

Miffed Mole was about to speak on how we should not allow the sale of the LCBO to private hands, even though Mayor Ford Pinto seems to be going ahead with the move.

Questions: who let the dogs out? How will this impact on wine writing in Ontario? Will the freeze on false news affect outstanding lawsuits now that the three leading principals, winners of two major SPIFFY Awards, are no longer with us?

A memorial programme will be announced shortly, in conjunction with CellaredInCanada™ wine service. Stay tuned for more PR broadsides from "Harpy Government" communications and "Ford Pinto Nation" rebuttals.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

/FOXY Wine News: Red-Light District Approved by Ont...

City Councillor Mammoliti sees Toronto Islands as top choice for a red-light district. – Toronto Star, March 23, 2011.

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TORONTO – (GOSH Wine News Services/FOXY Wine News Network North) – In a stunning announcement to be made later today, Premier Grate McGinty of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will endorse Councillor Mammoliti's concept for a series of clubs and brothels on the Toronto Islands.

"We welcome this as a terrific fund-raising activity for the multiple benefits of government subsidization to the good people of Toronto. This should help them manage their $750-million shortfall in the 2012 budget – and get us off the hook before the October election."

At the same time, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er Clone, er Crown Corporation, will be moving its antiquated headquarters away from Lake Shore Boulevard to the newly created tenderloin district. Said a spokesperson, "The need for a new building, coupled with a need to be closer to the prime source of income, makes it incumbent that we go where the traffic is. We will be even better situated to remain completely insular."

"Our new HQ," said another spokesperson, "will have state-of-the art furnishings and reception areas, as well as 2012-style cubicles for staff. Every bit of the gravy inherent in new government buildings will be missing from this one."

Visitors to the new headquarters will be provided with a customized skiff (named "Tender Loin") that will ferry agents, staff, copious red wine for the loins, and media between the mainland and the red-wine-red-light district. It will stop when required at the floating casino in the harbour.

Mayor Ford Pinto to privatize some Toronto LCBO s...

Ford to privatize Toronto Community Housing Corp.? "Absolutely" – headline in Toronto Star, March 3, 2011.

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services) has just learned that Mayor Ford Pinto has been working on a plan to privatize LCBO stores within the boundaries of the City of Toronto.

The plan is apparently a simple one, even for Mayor Pinto. Toronto needs revenue and Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has just turned down a request for more funds.

"Here's what we're gonna do because I say so: we're gonna privatize all the retail stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province – but only EAST of Yonge Street. It'll be a perfect fit with our waste management program which will only run WEST of Yonge Street. Got that? Nobody will even notice the difference in the sale of booze, but the city of Toronto will reap immense sources of revenue. After all, I'm 300 pounds of fun!"

When questioned why EAST of Yonge, Brother Doug the Elder added: "It makes perfect sense. All of the spending is here. Store 10 at Scrivener Square, Store 217 at Queen's Quay, Store 355 at Bayview Village – they all offer between 1701 and 2000 Vintages products plus In-Store Discoveries. They're EAST of Yonge. There's nothing comparable in the west end. There's not a single store west of Yonge offering more than 1700 Vintages products. I looked it up; it's a public document in every bi-weekly Vintages catalogue."

"We've done the math," Mayor Pinto said. "We are prepared. The heavy drinking is EAST of Yonge. That's where we're gonna go. Contracts will be let out to the private sector to run the stores at a slight profit with markups moving to the city coffers."

Added Brother Doug the Elder, "Hey – my brother Pinto now has a 72 percent approval rating – he can do whatever he wants! Grate McGinty is at 16 percent. He has to heel to our commands, so far as Toronto is concerned."

Enabling legislation declaring the Toronto stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, an "essential service" is expected by the end of March.

More on this story about Ford Pinto Nation as it happens…

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network being investigated

The CRTC plan to lift ban on false news prompts political investigation – February newspaper headline.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The multiple award-winning GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that it is under investigation by Parliament for spreading false or misleading wine news. Its sister company, Foxy Wine News Network, is similarly being looked at.

A CRTC proposal that could make it easier to broadcast false or misleading news has prompted confusion and criticism among opposition MPs and consternation to many of the unions that represent Canadian journalists.

It has also led to allegations of interference by the Prime Minister's Office and a hastily called investigation by federal politicians.

"I don't know when I've been so pressed for details," said Dean Tudor, founder and co-owner of FauxVoixVinCuisine and Foxy Wine News Network (both are owned by GOSH Wine News Services). "This has been all so self-referential. Why now????"

A Parliamentary group has been pressing the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission for years to do something about a regulation that bans the broadcast of false or misleading news because the wording appears to contravene the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

The commission recently announced it was proposing to change the wording of the regulation to say that it applied only in cases in which broadcasters knew the information was false or misleading and that reporting it was likely to endanger the lives, health or safety of the public.

"We've looked everywhere to try to find out who's pushing this, and we can't find anybody," said a spokesperson for the unions. But GOSH Wine News Services has deep sources who insist that the action has been spearheaded by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in order to try to shut down the GOSH/FauxVoix/Foxy Wine News Network complex, citing issues related to the health and safety of members of the public.

One example has been the amazing success of Freggie™, the all-fruit and vegetable ICB wine which has been shown to be all too healthy, and is taking away sales from other ICBs on the shelves. As most intelligent readers know, Freggie™ does not exist except in the mind of Dean Tudor. Yet sales demand for this product continue to plague the liquor and wine stores of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

But as an opposition spokesperson said, "We all know our Prime Minister well enough to say we don't have to be in the realm of conspiracy theory here. We can draw our conclusions and they are pretty clear."

Behind the scenes, officials say the timing is purely coincidental, the PMO had nothing to do with it, and that the CRTC simply realized it eventually had to answer the concerns of the regulatory committee.