Tuesday, December 27, 2011

GOSH/Foxy announces another successful year

> TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - The GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy
> Wine News Network completes yet another stunning and successful year in
> promoting the alcohol business in Ontario, in co-operation with the
> Liberal
> Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation
> of
> A Have-Not Province Run by The Grate McGinty. Our shareholders are
> extremely
> happy.
> What did we accomplish this year? In yet another stunning upset, GOSH
> Wine
> News Services had swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards for bold
> and beautiful false and fake news
> Breaking stories appeared on the Foxy Wine News Network and the Canadian
> Wine Hacks and Flacks Association -- stories about the former
> CellaredInCanada wines, for example. Our spoofs and parodies for 2011
> totalled about 50, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest,
> most
> penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the
> spoofs are based are real.
> Top investigative journalism led to coverage of the LCBO now selling
> wine at their Ontario stores in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine
> scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master
> of Wine Writing designation and MWW courses, and the purchase of the LCBO
> by
> RIM.
> More recently, GOSH and Foxy uncovered the Robert M. Parker Jr.
> Retirement and Farewell Tour, the LCBO being slammed by Black Friday
> sales,
> finding rogue vineyards in Niagara, the PIIGS Bake Sale and Fundraiser in
> Ontario, and announcing the signing of the provinvial auditor as a
> freelance
> writer for GOSH.
> All stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet
> http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.
> Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an
> empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring
> and
> Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in
> Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".
> PS: Don't forget the Christmas and Holiday shows at Foxy Wine News
> Network -- "Snag It, Bag It, and Tag It" (guide to cheap Christmas wines),
> "Mulled Wine Escapades", "LCBO Eggnog Special Competition", "Durham
> Warehouse Christmas Show" (live), and "Bubbles, Not-the-Charmat Express
> Hour".
> Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Sunday, December 11, 2011

New FauxVoixVinCuisine writer tells all about wholesale-retail wine pricing

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 viewers on a nightly basis, is proud to announce its latest wine writer: government auditor Jim MacCarter. Truth is stranger than fiction: You simply cannot write this kind of parody/spoof…


He files this story from Queens Park--


"Recently I tabled my annual report with the Ontario Legislature, which (with the consent of the Grate McGinty) runs the Have-Not Province of Ontario. One of my highlights was noting that the alcohol wholesale pricing structure meant that wine, spirits, and beer cost more than necessary and that the monopoly makes lower profits than it could.


"In effect, I'm taking the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, to task for purchasing policies and pricing structures that mean booze is too expensive yet revenues are not maximized.


"A Wal-Mart would certainly go back to their supplier and say: 'Would you sell it to us cheaper?' We think a lot of suppliers would sell it to us cheaper, basically to get that shelf listing. The provincial monopoly is one of the biggest alcohol retailers in the world.


"Nobody else has that buying clout. The purchasing differs from private-sector retailers, which try to find the lowest wholesale prices. Instead, the Board focuses on the retail price it wants to charge for a product. Suppliers then work backwards and, at the Board's request, will raise or lower the wholesale cost of the product to fit within the company's price structure."


Apparently, The Grate McGinty's Finance Minister agrees. The Treasurer added that the Board's pricing polices are "counter-intuitive."


Stay on board for this one, folks -- it's compelling…

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network announces Christmas Holiday shows

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just over 4,000 viewers on a weeknight (fewer on the weekend), today announced its Christmas Holiday television line-up.


On Monday, December 12, at 9 PM (after the kiddies have gone to bed) enjoy "Snag It, Bag It and Tag It" – a guide to every cheap wine offered by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. It's a two hour show, with about an hour for red wines and an hour for whites and roses. It is the same sort of deal as offered by the Board's "Brood & Think" magazine, that is, the entire shot is paid for by underachieving wine agents who must make ends meet in this age of The Scrooge. Repeats endlessly after every midnight during the rest of December, until noon the next day.


On Tuesday, December 13, at 9 PM, enjoy "Mulled Wine Escapades", the adventures of a would-be Santa who decided to arrive EARLY on December 23 and cause havoc with the dispensing of toys and favours. He becomes the victim of accepting too much mulled wine and has chills and spills on his sleigh route, led by a really red-nosed Rudolph with clove-nutmeg-cinnamon breath. Again, not one for the kiddies. Repeats every Tuesday until Christmas.


On Wednesday, December 14, again at 9 PM, watch the "LCBO EggNog Special" – store managers decide to compete against each other in the creation of their own locally flavoured eggnog concoctions. Watch out for the Greek neighbourhood versions. Recipes furnished upon request, provided suitable ID and passport photo is submitted. Repeats every Wednesday. This show will be broadcast LIVE: you must be of drinking age in order to enter the studio.


On Thursday, December 15, at 8 PM (note: one hour earlier than the other shows) – "The Durham Warehouse at Christmas". Watch how fork lift operators compete with each other in the stacking of thousands of cases of wines, beers, and spirits. This is one the kids will enjoy since it is always fun to see cartons get smashed in attempts to stack SKUs. Repeats every night at 8 PM until they get it right.


On Friday, December 16, at 9 PM, we'll have "The Consignment Warehouse Christmas Show" where the wine agents go virtual and decide to sell their wines in time for Christmas. Competition is fierce, but will the ladies' teams win again this year as they strive for a Three-Peat? Find out, but after the kids go to bed. Again, this reality show will be LIVE, but repeated endlessly on Foxy Wine News Network.


Then, on Saturday, December 17, at 11 PM, in the beginning of the run up to Christmas and New Year's, Foxy Wine News Network will have "Bubbles", a reality show which will be selling Champagnes with sex appeal. Details are being kept under wraps, but will be revealed as we draw closer to the time of the show. All we can say is this is where Bubbles meets Brandy, and the fur will be flying. Repeats on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at 11 PM, and then it fizzles out.


On Sunday, December 18, at noon – equal time will be given on the "Charmat Express Hour" to those loser non-Champagne sparkling wines.


Foxy hopes you enjoy all these shows. Keep informed.