Monday, May 30, 2011

The Beer Store raises majority age needed for return of bottles

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proudly watched by almost 4,000 people nationwide, was stunned today to learn about The Beer Store's problems with LCBO bottle returns.

 

In the Annual Report filed by the Ministry of Bottle Returns, Foxy Wine News Network read that the top-heavy bureaucratic management layering has created well over a dozen positions that "sunshine" salary legislation shows make over $100,000 a year each.

 

In addition, The Beer Store, running at a loss. was forced to promulgate and enforce new rules for bottle returns: Since you must be 19 or over (and prove it) to BUY bottles of alcoholic beverages and pay deposits, then you must be 19 or over to RETURN the bottles for the deposit money.

 

This has the concurrence of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

Apparently, sources tell us, The Beer Store has taken back vast quantities of empty bottles of gourmet olive oil and vinegars for deposit. They look too much like wine bottles. "It's been the young kids that do this, looking for a quick buck," said one source.

 

Another said that harried The Beer Store employees do not take the time to properly read labels. They miss the Nutritional Data listed on each bottle, a tip-off that the bottle is not an alcoholic beverage container and thus has had no deposit paid on it.

 

A third source reported that the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is losing millions of dollars each day. This money is needed to cover both the salaries of the layered management at the MBR and the mandatory training programs in "label reading" authorizewd for the Turks and Caicos Islands' seminar centres.

 

Foxy Wine News Network finds it hard to believe that that many bottles of olive oil and vinegars are sold each day in the province. There is some talk about the Seinfeld-Kramer Trucking Company bringing in empty bottles from Quebec and Manitoba.

 

More on this story as we develop the necessary research skills to investigate sales of olive oils and vinegars in Canada…

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

ICBM launch of new Cellared in Canada wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the newly-formed International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs), an alliance devoted to the reformed CellaredInCanada™ program, will be launching two new series of wines.

 

The first series will be a critter series. "We did the due diligence thing," said a spokesperson the ICBM, "but found to our dismay that all of the best critter names were taken. Nevertheless, we are forging ahead with new red and white wines from off-shore and in-shore content, reflecting the character of the original countries, whether Chile, Argentina, Italy or Canada."

 

When asked what we can expect from the new names, the ICBM said, "We can still use critter names such as Scapegoat, Polecat, Cougar, Snake in the Grass, and Nag. All of these are under consideration."

 

The other series of wines, expected to appeal to a younger crowd by virtue of their low-alcohol content of some ten percent, will embrace the names of social media. There'll be a red wine label headed OMG, another dedicated to LOL, a third to RTFM, another to ROTFL, and even one labelled BFF. One can just imagine the ad campaign for BFF: hey, where's the beef?

 

The social media wines will be heavily advertised on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, LinkedIn, Blogger, Blogspot, and other sites for social writings. There will be no print or broadcast advertising, except for the critter wines.

 

At one time the ICBM was seriously interested in buying Freggie™ the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, but research showed that the wine was 100% domestic and hence ineligible for funding as an ICB by Ontario, A Have-Not Province. The hostile takeover was quietly dropped.

 

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 



--
Posted By Dean Tudor to FauxVoix VinCuisine at 5/23/2011 04:07:00 PM

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network to detail SomewhereElse wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, which launched last month to a stunning audience of 4,000 nationwide (almost 1,000 in the most-prized demographic group!), has just learned that the International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs) have created yet another line of wines.

 

To be named SomewhereElse™, the line will comprise some "100% homegrown fruit" (the word "homegrown" has not yet been defined) and be available for sale only in the wine stores operated by the ICBMs, which have all been re-branded as "Incoming Stores".

 

It is to be hoped that trading on the name "SomewhereNess" will direct a sales flow to the wine stores. Directors of SomwehereNess were not available for comment.

 

SomewhereElse™ will be up against Freggie™ the 100% homegrown fruit AND vegetable wine. A spokesperson for the ICBMs saw no conflict with Freggie™ since the latter's fruit is non-grape in form.

 

The new wine war between SomewhereElse™ and Freggie™ will be one of water rights for the stretch water component. Such territorial aggression will give new meaning to the ICBM's use of the word "Incoming" to describe their new offerings at their re-branded stores.

 

The Fruit Wineries of Ontario, who have a vested interest in Freggie™, are incensed over the matter, and they promise to launch a terroir-driven series of fruit wines emphasizing farms and orchards. Fruit varietals will be matched against soil samples; the process is expected to take several years.

 

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Ruled by The Grate McGinty has already suggested that they want nothing to do with the quarrels. Said a spokesperson, "This is all an internal matter, it has nothing to do with us. But of course they do need to resolve it".

 

More on this story as it develops…

 
 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (with up to 4,000 viewers nationally) has just learned, to its astonishment, that a group of "leading Ontario winemakers" will be announcing this week at the SomewhereNess consumer show that the whole VQA system within Ontario viticulture was "entirely fabricated" between 1992 and 1994 by a team of winery project managers working "non-stop" to forge the relevant evidence.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Foxy Wine News, sifting through the documentation, has been pretty impressed with the evidence. They have been overwhelmed with names, dates, figures…

 

"We just started making things up," a spokesman explained. "Icewine, Meritage, vinifera such as Cabernet Franc (Cabernet what? Think about it), terroirs, the Bench system (St. David's? Welsh. Beamsville? Fred C. Dobbs), stretch water, hybrids such as Baco Noir or Vidal, Lake Erie North Shore (really? OMG), all the different legislation and Byzantine regulations, everything. Our biggest coup was sucking in the British Columbia government to copy our scheme. Nova Scotia was smarter: they did their due diligence."

 

Icewine, for example, was actually the work of a winery intern, a second year student at Brock University named Dwayne.

 

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty said, "That's the first I've heard of this. Our shelves are brimming with VQA products: it's real. You can see the logo on the bottles. How can they just make this up?"

 

The consortium of "leading Ontario winemakers", when notified of this response, simply stated: "Pretty tricky, huh?"

 

More on this startling development as it breaks wide open…

 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network creates two new Reality wine shows.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, viewed by up to 4,000 responsible people nationally, every night, continues to introduce new content.

 

First, Foxy Wine has secured the rights to Sarah Palin's Alaska series which promotes whitewater rafting, dog sledding, ATVing, game hunting and fishing. But they've introduced Canadian wine variations.

 

The spin-off for Ontario will be called "Tom Whodat's Niagara West-Glanbrook". It will cover the Peninsula, with Icewine banging, Asian lady bug crawling, pomace disposal, CellaredInCanada™ blending, burning vines and BBQ, VQA regulations, and other fun and games. There'll be a chance for viewers to connect through social media such as Fritter, Really Stupid Syndication (RSS), or My Face.

 

Second, Foxy Wine will begin its first reality television program, pitting CellaredInCanada™ and ICBM blends against VQA wines. They'll have na├»ve wine drinkers and some wine experts such as writers and sommeliers going through blind tastings of verticals and horizontals. There will be terroir specializations with right-wing terrorist groups.

 

They promise that someone will gag every week. And that someone else will get smashed or blotto and do funny things. The cameras will get right down inside the spittoon for that inside story. There'll be expectoration contests. There will be green room visits.

 

And, at the end of each show, one wine and one taster will be voted off the program. The last one standing, both a wine and a taster, will be guaranteed shelf space and a job at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. There'll also be a chance for viewers to connect through Fritter, RSS, or My Face.

 

This reality show, to be hosted by Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine New Services, will be known as "Dino's Vino Wino".

 

Stay tuned – every night at 10 PM (Adult Content only).