Sunday, March 31, 2013

Mayor Rob Ford aka Schadenford Resigns for Government Position

TRAWNA – (GOSH News Services) – The Canadian Foxy Wine News Network North has just learned that Mayor Rob Ford (also known as Schadenford) is poised to make a dramatic announcement by noon today. Taking advantage of the sleepy Easter Monday non-commute, Mayor Ford had hoped that this one would slip by the media. Indeed, according to our best sources, it appears as if Mayor Ford's announcement will only be made by his brother, Councillor Doug Ford, acting in his place, and thus Schadenford will not be available for comments.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for some time now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


Apparently, Mayor Schadenford has been ousted from office. He had been told to resign by an unnamed team of several thousand well-placed Torontonians. He agreed – so long as he could become the new CEO of the

Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Win-Win Wynne. That was the price of his removal. Indeed, according to our well-known "anonymous sources", he has already left the building, that is, City Hall.


Ford's immediate plans certainly involve creating new wines, beers and spirits featuring the well-known "Gravy Train" © TM label. These will roll out over the next few months, heavily pushed by a bevy of former gravy train recipients. Word has also come down, from our more reliable "confidential sources" that he is about to crack open the Oooopsie union. Work will be further contracted out even more than now, but at first only in Western Ontario – west of Yonge Street.


The LCBO buildings at Queens' Quay will be sold for subway barns and parking lots. The Liquor Transfer Tax will be dropped, allowing for a savings to the taxpayer of eight cents on every bottle of alcohol sold in Ontario. According to our confidential sources, Schadenford is also looking forward to his own, private rehab room just off from his new offices.


Stay tuned for our special "What the LCBO will be like under Rob Ford" premiering later tonight on this channel…