Tuesday, December 27, 2011

GOSH/Foxy announces another successful year

> TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - The GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy
> Wine News Network completes yet another stunning and successful year in
> promoting the alcohol business in Ontario, in co-operation with the
> Liberal
> Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation
> of
> A Have-Not Province Run by The Grate McGinty. Our shareholders are
> extremely
> happy.
>
> What did we accomplish this year? In yet another stunning upset, GOSH
> Wine
> News Services had swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards for bold
> and beautiful false and fake news
>
> Breaking stories appeared on the Foxy Wine News Network and the Canadian
> Wine Hacks and Flacks Association -- stories about the former
> CellaredInCanada wines, for example. Our spoofs and parodies for 2011
> totalled about 50, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest,
> most
> penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the
> spoofs are based are real.
>
> Top investigative journalism led to coverage of the LCBO now selling
> wine at their Ontario stores in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine
> scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master
> of Wine Writing designation and MWW courses, and the purchase of the LCBO
> by
> RIM.
>
> More recently, GOSH and Foxy uncovered the Robert M. Parker Jr.
> Retirement and Farewell Tour, the LCBO being slammed by Black Friday
> sales,
> finding rogue vineyards in Niagara, the PIIGS Bake Sale and Fundraiser in
> Ontario, and announcing the signing of the provinvial auditor as a
> freelance
> writer for GOSH.
>
> All stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet
> http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.
>
> Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an
> empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring
> and
> Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in
> Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".
>
> PS: Don't forget the Christmas and Holiday shows at Foxy Wine News
> Network -- "Snag It, Bag It, and Tag It" (guide to cheap Christmas wines),
> "Mulled Wine Escapades", "LCBO Eggnog Special Competition", "Durham
> Warehouse Christmas Show" (live), and "Bubbles, Not-the-Charmat Express
> Hour".
>
> Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com
>

Sunday, December 11, 2011

New FauxVoixVinCuisine writer tells all about wholesale-retail wine pricing

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 viewers on a nightly basis, is proud to announce its latest wine writer: government auditor Jim MacCarter. Truth is stranger than fiction: You simply cannot write this kind of parody/spoof…

 

He files this story from Queens Park--

 

"Recently I tabled my annual report with the Ontario Legislature, which (with the consent of the Grate McGinty) runs the Have-Not Province of Ontario. One of my highlights was noting that the alcohol wholesale pricing structure meant that wine, spirits, and beer cost more than necessary and that the monopoly makes lower profits than it could.

 

"In effect, I'm taking the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, to task for purchasing policies and pricing structures that mean booze is too expensive yet revenues are not maximized.

 

"A Wal-Mart would certainly go back to their supplier and say: 'Would you sell it to us cheaper?' We think a lot of suppliers would sell it to us cheaper, basically to get that shelf listing. The provincial monopoly is one of the biggest alcohol retailers in the world.

 

"Nobody else has that buying clout. The purchasing differs from private-sector retailers, which try to find the lowest wholesale prices. Instead, the Board focuses on the retail price it wants to charge for a product. Suppliers then work backwards and, at the Board's request, will raise or lower the wholesale cost of the product to fit within the company's price structure."

 

Apparently, The Grate McGinty's Finance Minister agrees. The Treasurer added that the Board's pricing polices are "counter-intuitive."

 

Stay on board for this one, folks -- it's compelling…

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network announces Christmas Holiday shows

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just over 4,000 viewers on a weeknight (fewer on the weekend), today announced its Christmas Holiday television line-up.

 

On Monday, December 12, at 9 PM (after the kiddies have gone to bed) enjoy "Snag It, Bag It and Tag It" – a guide to every cheap wine offered by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. It's a two hour show, with about an hour for red wines and an hour for whites and roses. It is the same sort of deal as offered by the Board's "Brood & Think" magazine, that is, the entire shot is paid for by underachieving wine agents who must make ends meet in this age of The Scrooge. Repeats endlessly after every midnight during the rest of December, until noon the next day.

 

On Tuesday, December 13, at 9 PM, enjoy "Mulled Wine Escapades", the adventures of a would-be Santa who decided to arrive EARLY on December 23 and cause havoc with the dispensing of toys and favours. He becomes the victim of accepting too much mulled wine and has chills and spills on his sleigh route, led by a really red-nosed Rudolph with clove-nutmeg-cinnamon breath. Again, not one for the kiddies. Repeats every Tuesday until Christmas.

 

On Wednesday, December 14, again at 9 PM, watch the "LCBO EggNog Special" – store managers decide to compete against each other in the creation of their own locally flavoured eggnog concoctions. Watch out for the Greek neighbourhood versions. Recipes furnished upon request, provided suitable ID and passport photo is submitted. Repeats every Wednesday. This show will be broadcast LIVE: you must be of drinking age in order to enter the studio.

 

On Thursday, December 15, at 8 PM (note: one hour earlier than the other shows) – "The Durham Warehouse at Christmas". Watch how fork lift operators compete with each other in the stacking of thousands of cases of wines, beers, and spirits. This is one the kids will enjoy since it is always fun to see cartons get smashed in attempts to stack SKUs. Repeats every night at 8 PM until they get it right.

 

On Friday, December 16, at 9 PM, we'll have "The Consignment Warehouse Christmas Show" where the wine agents go virtual and decide to sell their wines in time for Christmas. Competition is fierce, but will the ladies' teams win again this year as they strive for a Three-Peat? Find out, but after the kids go to bed. Again, this reality show will be LIVE, but repeated endlessly on Foxy Wine News Network.

 

Then, on Saturday, December 17, at 11 PM, in the beginning of the run up to Christmas and New Year's, Foxy Wine News Network will have "Bubbles", a reality show which will be selling Champagnes with sex appeal. Details are being kept under wraps, but will be revealed as we draw closer to the time of the show. All we can say is this is where Bubbles meets Brandy, and the fur will be flying. Repeats on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at 11 PM, and then it fizzles out.

 

On Sunday, December 18, at noon – equal time will be given on the "Charmat Express Hour" to those loser non-Champagne sparkling wines.

 

Foxy hopes you enjoy all these shows. Keep informed.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Rogue Vineyards found in Niagara

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proud home to over 4,000 viewers each working weeknight (more on unemployed weeknights), has learned that the Niagara Peninsula is using Google Earth to find rogue grape vineyards that don't have the proper permits.

 

Many of these vineyards are hidden away under the shelter of orchards. The town of Beamsville, for example, has used the satellite image service to find about 200 vineyards whose owners never filled out the required paperwork.

 

Such vineyards are extremely valuable; indeed, more valuable than the orchard canopies that they lurk under.

 

Violators were told to get the proper permits. So far about $65,000 in fees and penalties have been collected.

 

Agricultural inspectors said such vineyards were a taxing concern. Without the required inspections there was no way to know whether the vineyards were up to clonal standards.

 

"Consumers must be protected from scam grape varieties" said one inspector. "A Chardonnay musque must be a Chardonnay grape, not a Muscat. With hidden vineyards, any clonal selection can be suspect."

 

But some privacy advocates, such as those at Foxy Wine News Network and the GOSH Wine News Services, say the use of Google Earth to find scofflaw vineyards reeks of Big Brother and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on these rogue vineyards as the situation develops…

 
 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.

 

And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to Ontario.

 

Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.

 

In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.

 

Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

 

More on this impending disaster as it happens…

 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.

 

Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.

 

One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.

 

Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"

 

The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.

 

"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this Great Province. The critics need to get on board during this time of economic recovery," said the Corporation.

 

The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."

 

More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens…

Monday, October 10, 2011

Fw: BREAKING NEWS FLASH: The Onion to "align" with Foxy Wine News Network

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!
 
TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with the Canadian version of The Onion newspaper.
 
Originally, The Onion had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that The Onion had prior exclusive rights to satire and sarcasm in Canada. They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
 
But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that The Onion is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
 
So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, The Onion has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.
 
From November 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all Canadian vinous happenings for The Onion, and The Onion will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.
 
In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.
 
Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Saturday, October 1, 2011

LCBO to deconstruct under Whodat

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that Tom Whodat, the leader of the Official Opposition in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will seek to deconstruct the LCBO after he wins the election, by renaming it the "Limitless Conservation of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat".

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Policy advisors have suggested that international wine purchases will be de-emphasized while Ontario wines will greatly expand within the rubber walls of the new LCBO, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat.

 

But Ontario producers have already suggested that they may not have enough grape product for sale, and that the Ontario Government may have to dip into its copious stocks of fruit wines, which, until this moment, seem to have been neglected.

 

Other advisors have suggested that a good Scotch and soda is just the ticket for Ontario voters, and have put their money on brown spirits rather than wines.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network shut out at recent Emmys & Geminis

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network is bitterly disappointed that it did not win any Emmy or Gemini Awards this season.

 

When reminded that the Network is relatively new with no product before the closing date, the CEO said: "That shouldn't matter. We put our hearts and souls into our work. We worked really hard and we deserved the Awards based on the work that we did. After all, don't school kids get marks for just working hard, no matter whether they are right or wrong?"

 

He went on, "We broke many stories…on the new red-light district in Toronto for drinking, the fact that Canadian blended wines were going to drop terroir, the WikiLeaks booze material release, the fabrication of the VQA system in 1992, and the concept of SomewhereElse wines."

 

"Plus, of course, the development of the LCBO buying and selling wines only in Euros. What more could the Emmy Academy of Television Arts want?"

 

When reminded that programs must be NOMINATED first before they can get an Award, the CEO said, "Oh, right. Maybe next year."

 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced


TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be  a Wine Writer….

 

MWW I topics will include:

 

– how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- hoe to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;

 

The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

 

 
 

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Can Wine Hacks and Flacks Association to offer MWW designation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by up to 5,000 viewers every night, is pleased to offer, in conjunction with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, the beginning of a new online-television education relationship.

 

Beginning in Fall 2011, CWHFA (pronounced Kwee-Fah) will be offering through Foxy Wine News Network some new Master of Wine Writing courses leading to the M.W.W. degree (Master of Wine Writing). Kwee-Fah's Registrar said that these courses would not be similar to, nor lead to a Master of Wine or a Master Sommelier designation.

 

"Indeed", he said, "the MWW will be sitting over the MW and the MS. For one thing, it is one letter longer. For another, the MWW is concerned with writing about the same material that the MW and MS comprises, so the MWW has a more integrative construction of base materials.

 

"The MWW is a communication degree posited above the MW and the MS in interpretation. We will expound and expand on MW/MS materials and we will explain and demystify wine terms and concepts. The MWW will be able to fashion a credible, readable account of wines and wine tasting without resorting to a "sweaty saddles" or "kerosene" or "petrol" type of terminology. We'll lose such phrases as "Heavy-weight almost focused dessert wine. Whispers of cedar, structured blueberry and scant plum. Drink now through 2012."

 

"We'll also be looking into the type of hard-hitting investigative journalism-type stories that GOSH seems to find every day of the week – why aren't the big boy wine writers picking up these stories? Because there are actually TOO many stories..."

 

"We hope to have some of these investigative experiences fashioned in writing and on television before the October 6 election, so we can see what the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty is really up to."

 

The Registrar of Kwee-Fah said: "We'll address this investigative issue when the time comes: it'll make a good textbook case for our students to write-up. Just watch us. We'll be everywhere."

 

Syllabi will go online September 1, while registration opens August 1 at the Foxy Wine News Network's website. More details will be posted later…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Fw: Apology from Foxy Wine News Network re: stretch water

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine New Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, now enjoyed by over 5,000 nightly viewers, wishes to issue the following apology which was broadcasted in prime time:

 

"For the past two years, Dean Tudor, ace investigative reporter for GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network, had commented that the stretch water component of International and Canadian Blended wines was not a joke, that it was for real. We've read lots of your emails about your laughter, folks, but we've re-iterated over and over again that STRETCH WATER IS NOT A JOKE, THAT IT IS FOR REAL, and the Canadian public is paying big bucks in taxes on simple tap water.

 

"Tudor has said it, over and over: STRETCH WATER IS REALITY, it is not a joke.

 

"Well, guess what, folks, IT ACTUALLY IS A JOKE -- that's right, Stretch Water (no relation to Stretch Cunningham) is a one-trick pony joke that has been perpetrated on the Canadian public.

 

"Dean Tudor wishes to apologize for insisting that stretch water is real. He defers to the judgment of the email writers and hacked voicemail messages, and he apologizes for his mistake. To not do so would be irresponsible. If he were to continue to make such mistakes and misstatements, and not correct them, especially if each and every one of those statements happened to go in one very particular direction on the political spectrum, that would undermine the very integrity and credibility that he works so hard to pretend to care about."

 

"Dean Tudor also apologizes for directly stealing this apology from another satirist. It was not intended to be a factual statement."

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network joins with "Thiis Is That"

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 nightly viewers, is now pleased to announce a mutual P2P partnership with the CBC Radio show, "This Is That".

 

Effective July 1, immediately after "This Is That" returns for a second season, Foxy Wine News Network will be responsible for supplying wine spoofs and parodies to the radio show.

 

This cross-association between "This Is That" and the Foxy Wine News Network should in no way impinge on the veracity and non-commercial nature of the public broadcaster, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

 

On the other hand, Foxy Wine News Network's status will be increased immeasurably.

 

More on this story as the situation evolves…

 

 
 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

LCBO to buy and sell alcohol only in Euros

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network today has learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty is poised for a major reconsideration and reconstruction of its currency policy.

 

The LCBO stated: "In addition to currency fluctuations, many factors go into pricing alcohol: freight costs, projected demand and what the competition is doing are some of the other considerations".

 

If prices on American or European products don't drop, it's not necessarily the LCBO who's benefiting, the spokesperson added. Roughly 90 per cent of the products on the LCBO General List are from suppliers who price their products in Canadian dollars when they are issuing quotes to the LCBO, she said. That means any benefit from a rising Canadian dollar would go towards wineries, breweries and distilleries, if the shelf price doesn't budge.

 

"It's really up to the supplier in most cases if they want to pass on the savings," she said. "We certainly pass them along when we can. We're not hanging on to the extra money."

 

In the high-end Vintages and Classics ranges, more suppliers tend to price their products in their local currency. Everything from bourbon to bottles of Burgundy and Bordeaux could be coming down in price.

 

In order to ensure that this happens to all alcohol (including the General List), the LCBO will now be buying and selling wine only in Euros, the preferred currency of the Western World. This will roll out individual controls such as protection for the wines of Portugal and Greece -- both countries are in serious financial quagmires and need bailing out -- as does Irish beer and spirits.

 

The United States, facing default on its loans, may do better in the alcohol business if it converts US dollars to Euros when selling to the LCBO.

 

For its part, the LCBO will re-jig their local cash registers and offer the consumer a bill in Euros, which can then be charged or debited through a Euro account or a dollar account (with the bank mark-up fees).

 

Said the LCBO: "Then it would be out of our hands, and up to the banks to decide what to charge their clients. We're only interested in selling alcohol."

 

Cash sales would have to be in Euros, and ATMs will be put into every store. The cash register receipt will clearly show all applicable taxes and freight charges, mark-ups, customs fees, and the like – in Euros. This will make a level playing field, on which the LCBO both buys and sells alcohol in Euros.

 

As with all alcohol matters, Ontario and BC wineries are exempt from selling and buying in Euros.

 

More on this remarkable story as it progresses…

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: Winefox.ca to "align" with Foxy News Network.

 
NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!
 
TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with Winefox.ca.
 
Originally, Winefox.ca had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that Winefox.ca had prior exclusive rights to the words "fox" and "wine". They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
 
But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that Winefox.ca is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
 
So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, Winefox.ca has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.
 
From July 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all happenings at Winefox.ca, and Winefox.ca will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.
 
In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.
 
Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....
 
 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Canadian blended wines to drop terroir

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the Canadian Blended Wines Association (CBWA), an alliance of wineries dedicated to the production of 100% Canadian-blended wines, will announce its new blending philosophy at a press conference called for this afternoon.

 

On the table are a variety of wines that once had the name of Meritage or Conundrum, or simply Big Red or White or some other fantasy name. These wines are expected to be re-branded by the consortium, with an emphasis on a complete lack of terroir. The idea is to produce red and white wines from 100% Canadian grapes that will show no influence of microclimates, soils, winemaking techniques, oaking, etc. – nothing whatsoever.

 

"We will defy anybody learning where these wines are from. We will name the grape varieties, according to law, but not the percentages used. We will name the vintage but not the location," said a spokesperson. Apparently, some of the wines used may also be from out-of-province, reminiscent of the old Unity label from Vincor, A Constellation Company.

 

"We strongly believe in the future, and the future suggests that wines will sell better if they have no terroir. Besides, it is easier to get them across the border without the word terroir on them," continued the spokesperson.

 

Of particular value to the CBWA is the fact that many of these wines can be vended to tasting competitions run by the Master Sommeliers or Masters of Wines.

 

"They'll be hard to guess at, and could prove to be a tiebreaker of a wine in the taste game. Could anybody name these grapes and location? We think not."

 

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network releases relevant booze WikiLeaks material


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by up to 1,000 viewers in that most highly prized 24 to 54 demographic, has just received the latest batch of WikiLeaks which concerns Ontario.

 

Buried within the trash of reports and emails was a gem of government concerns about the Good People of Ontario. Here's a verbatim excerpt from last year, with blocked names of individuals:

 

 

Committee Chair: "I know, but if you're the minister and you were getting 1,000 complaints a day of whatever nature about the [BLOCKED] Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate [BLOCKED], you would have told them, 'Hey, there's something going on here, people aren't happy'?"

Minister: "I can't speak for past ministers. They have to speak for themselves. But all I can tell you is, that it stands to reason that if you have a complaint about the tactics of a government agency the last place you're going to complain about that is to the government agency. You're going to complain to your duly elected local [BLOCKED}."

Committee Chair: "But then why aren't people tabling all those complaints? Because we don't have them."

Minister: "I got a letter in my question period book from an [BLOCKED} who complained to the minister about that very topic. So to say they don't exist is not true."

Committee Chair: "But they're not in the hundreds, they're not in the thousands..."

Minister: "I can't quantify. Even if there's one complaint, if it's a legitimate complaint, even if there's one complaint from a [BLOCKED] about the tactics used by a government agency we have to consider that complaint a valid question about public policy."

Committee Chair: "Sure, but we don't change public policy for one person do we?"

Minister: "Why not? If they're right."

Committee Chair: "We change public policy for one person?"

Minister: "If they're right."

 

More on the reaction to this particular WikiLeak as it happens…

 
 

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Beer Store raises majority age needed for return of bottles

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proudly watched by almost 4,000 people nationwide, was stunned today to learn about The Beer Store's problems with LCBO bottle returns.

 

In the Annual Report filed by the Ministry of Bottle Returns, Foxy Wine News Network read that the top-heavy bureaucratic management layering has created well over a dozen positions that "sunshine" salary legislation shows make over $100,000 a year each.

 

In addition, The Beer Store, running at a loss. was forced to promulgate and enforce new rules for bottle returns: Since you must be 19 or over (and prove it) to BUY bottles of alcoholic beverages and pay deposits, then you must be 19 or over to RETURN the bottles for the deposit money.

 

This has the concurrence of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

Apparently, sources tell us, The Beer Store has taken back vast quantities of empty bottles of gourmet olive oil and vinegars for deposit. They look too much like wine bottles. "It's been the young kids that do this, looking for a quick buck," said one source.

 

Another said that harried The Beer Store employees do not take the time to properly read labels. They miss the Nutritional Data listed on each bottle, a tip-off that the bottle is not an alcoholic beverage container and thus has had no deposit paid on it.

 

A third source reported that the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is losing millions of dollars each day. This money is needed to cover both the salaries of the layered management at the MBR and the mandatory training programs in "label reading" authorizewd for the Turks and Caicos Islands' seminar centres.

 

Foxy Wine News Network finds it hard to believe that that many bottles of olive oil and vinegars are sold each day in the province. There is some talk about the Seinfeld-Kramer Trucking Company bringing in empty bottles from Quebec and Manitoba.

 

More on this story as we develop the necessary research skills to investigate sales of olive oils and vinegars in Canada…

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

ICBM launch of new Cellared in Canada wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the newly-formed International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs), an alliance devoted to the reformed CellaredInCanada™ program, will be launching two new series of wines.

 

The first series will be a critter series. "We did the due diligence thing," said a spokesperson the ICBM, "but found to our dismay that all of the best critter names were taken. Nevertheless, we are forging ahead with new red and white wines from off-shore and in-shore content, reflecting the character of the original countries, whether Chile, Argentina, Italy or Canada."

 

When asked what we can expect from the new names, the ICBM said, "We can still use critter names such as Scapegoat, Polecat, Cougar, Snake in the Grass, and Nag. All of these are under consideration."

 

The other series of wines, expected to appeal to a younger crowd by virtue of their low-alcohol content of some ten percent, will embrace the names of social media. There'll be a red wine label headed OMG, another dedicated to LOL, a third to RTFM, another to ROTFL, and even one labelled BFF. One can just imagine the ad campaign for BFF: hey, where's the beef?

 

The social media wines will be heavily advertised on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, LinkedIn, Blogger, Blogspot, and other sites for social writings. There will be no print or broadcast advertising, except for the critter wines.

 

At one time the ICBM was seriously interested in buying Freggie™ the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, but research showed that the wine was 100% domestic and hence ineligible for funding as an ICB by Ontario, A Have-Not Province. The hostile takeover was quietly dropped.

 

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 



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Posted By Dean Tudor to FauxVoix VinCuisine at 5/23/2011 04:07:00 PM

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network to detail SomewhereElse wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, which launched last month to a stunning audience of 4,000 nationwide (almost 1,000 in the most-prized demographic group!), has just learned that the International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs) have created yet another line of wines.

 

To be named SomewhereElse™, the line will comprise some "100% homegrown fruit" (the word "homegrown" has not yet been defined) and be available for sale only in the wine stores operated by the ICBMs, which have all been re-branded as "Incoming Stores".

 

It is to be hoped that trading on the name "SomewhereNess" will direct a sales flow to the wine stores. Directors of SomwehereNess were not available for comment.

 

SomewhereElse™ will be up against Freggie™ the 100% homegrown fruit AND vegetable wine. A spokesperson for the ICBMs saw no conflict with Freggie™ since the latter's fruit is non-grape in form.

 

The new wine war between SomewhereElse™ and Freggie™ will be one of water rights for the stretch water component. Such territorial aggression will give new meaning to the ICBM's use of the word "Incoming" to describe their new offerings at their re-branded stores.

 

The Fruit Wineries of Ontario, who have a vested interest in Freggie™, are incensed over the matter, and they promise to launch a terroir-driven series of fruit wines emphasizing farms and orchards. Fruit varietals will be matched against soil samples; the process is expected to take several years.

 

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Ruled by The Grate McGinty has already suggested that they want nothing to do with the quarrels. Said a spokesperson, "This is all an internal matter, it has nothing to do with us. But of course they do need to resolve it".

 

More on this story as it develops…

 
 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (with up to 4,000 viewers nationally) has just learned, to its astonishment, that a group of "leading Ontario winemakers" will be announcing this week at the SomewhereNess consumer show that the whole VQA system within Ontario viticulture was "entirely fabricated" between 1992 and 1994 by a team of winery project managers working "non-stop" to forge the relevant evidence.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Foxy Wine News, sifting through the documentation, has been pretty impressed with the evidence. They have been overwhelmed with names, dates, figures…

 

"We just started making things up," a spokesman explained. "Icewine, Meritage, vinifera such as Cabernet Franc (Cabernet what? Think about it), terroirs, the Bench system (St. David's? Welsh. Beamsville? Fred C. Dobbs), stretch water, hybrids such as Baco Noir or Vidal, Lake Erie North Shore (really? OMG), all the different legislation and Byzantine regulations, everything. Our biggest coup was sucking in the British Columbia government to copy our scheme. Nova Scotia was smarter: they did their due diligence."

 

Icewine, for example, was actually the work of a winery intern, a second year student at Brock University named Dwayne.

 

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty said, "That's the first I've heard of this. Our shelves are brimming with VQA products: it's real. You can see the logo on the bottles. How can they just make this up?"

 

The consortium of "leading Ontario winemakers", when notified of this response, simply stated: "Pretty tricky, huh?"

 

More on this startling development as it breaks wide open…

 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network creates two new Reality wine shows.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, viewed by up to 4,000 responsible people nationally, every night, continues to introduce new content.

 

First, Foxy Wine has secured the rights to Sarah Palin's Alaska series which promotes whitewater rafting, dog sledding, ATVing, game hunting and fishing. But they've introduced Canadian wine variations.

 

The spin-off for Ontario will be called "Tom Whodat's Niagara West-Glanbrook". It will cover the Peninsula, with Icewine banging, Asian lady bug crawling, pomace disposal, CellaredInCanada™ blending, burning vines and BBQ, VQA regulations, and other fun and games. There'll be a chance for viewers to connect through social media such as Fritter, Really Stupid Syndication (RSS), or My Face.

 

Second, Foxy Wine will begin its first reality television program, pitting CellaredInCanada™ and ICBM blends against VQA wines. They'll have na├»ve wine drinkers and some wine experts such as writers and sommeliers going through blind tastings of verticals and horizontals. There will be terroir specializations with right-wing terrorist groups.

 

They promise that someone will gag every week. And that someone else will get smashed or blotto and do funny things. The cameras will get right down inside the spittoon for that inside story. There'll be expectoration contests. There will be green room visits.

 

And, at the end of each show, one wine and one taster will be voted off the program. The last one standing, both a wine and a taster, will be guaranteed shelf space and a job at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. There'll also be a chance for viewers to connect through Fritter, RSS, or My Face.

 

This reality show, to be hosted by Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine New Services, will be known as "Dino's Vino Wino".

 

Stay tuned – every night at 10 PM (Adult Content only).

 
 

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Geneticists to splice new genes into Canadian grapes.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network was stunned to learn earlier today that Frankenwines are on their way to Canada.

 

No, not wines from Franken Haut-Rhin in Germany. Frankenwines, as in Frankenstein…

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

The top secret scientific enclave in the wine world, centered at the Canadian Wine Research Institute in Saskatchewan, has apparently been hard at work developing new genes for splicing into grapes, to make the grape more wine-worthy.

 

They've managed to create a grape with the Canadian zombie gene, the one that makes you return to the store to buy much more of the same wine.

 

From Steven Harper's DNA (which is apparently freely available for cloning purposes from the Conservative Party of Canada) the engineers have spliced in the cold gene to automatically create Icewine grapes, no matter what global warming climate change is doing. They have also combined the Canadian zombie gene with the Harper gene to create a demand for more Icewine among Canadians.

 

But the triumph may be with the geneticists who have now spliced in the oak gene to red wine grapes. This will save wineries about $1500 a barrel, barrels that they will no longer need to purchase, and allow them to reduce prices.

 

All new genetically-modified wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Foxy Wine News Network team found dead.

TRAWNA – (GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network Services) – The entire GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network team has died after consuming a critter wine.

Early reports show Dean Tudor, Miffed Mole, and Brett Grimsby suffered from serious wounds – resembling animal and dog scratches – that covered their bodies. Their tongues and mouths, though, were untouched. The pathologist who performed the autopsies said this inconsistency is down to the fact that the three were expert wine tasters with golden SuperTaster™ palates. Obviously the critter wines were too smooth and innocuous to make dents in their taste buds.

Colleagues said these news editors and writers had recently received threatening notes, which were addressed to them and anonymously left in the broadcast studios of the Foxy Wine News Network.

Dean Tudor had just spoken an Editorial in the studio slamming the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province which had just changed its management model from an Open Mind concept to a Face Value concept.

Brett Grimsby had just turned in his video Editorial favouring the retention of water in CellaredInCanada™ wines and the subsequent dilution of FruitWines™ in Ontario.

Miffed Mole was about to speak on how we should not allow the sale of the LCBO to private hands, even though Mayor Ford Pinto seems to be going ahead with the move.

Questions: who let the dogs out? How will this impact on wine writing in Ontario? Will the freeze on false news affect outstanding lawsuits now that the three leading principals, winners of two major SPIFFY Awards, are no longer with us?

A memorial programme will be announced shortly, in conjunction with CellaredInCanada™ wine service. Stay tuned for more PR broadsides from "Harpy Government" communications and "Ford Pinto Nation" rebuttals.

/FOXY Wine News: Red-Light District Approved by Ont...

City Councillor Mammoliti sees Toronto Islands as top choice for a red-light district. – Toronto Star, March 23, 2011.

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TORONTO – (GOSH Wine News Services/FOXY Wine News Network North) – In a stunning announcement to be made later today, Premier Grate McGinty of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will endorse Councillor Mammoliti's concept for a series of clubs and brothels on the Toronto Islands.

 

"We welcome this as a terrific fund-raising activity for the multiple benefits of government subsidization to the good people of Toronto. This should help them manage their $750-million shortfall in the 2012 budget – and get us off the hook before the October election."

 

At the same time, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er Clone, er Crown Corporation, will be moving its antiquated headquarters away from Lake Shore Boulevard to the newly created tenderloin district. Said a spokesperson, "The need for a new building, coupled with a need to be closer to the prime source of income, makes it incumbent that we go where the traffic is. We will be even better situated to remain completely insular."

 

"Our new HQ," said another spokesperson, "will have state-of-the art furnishings and reception areas, as well as 2012-style cubicles for staff. Every bit of the gravy inherent in new government buildings will be missing from this one."

 

Visitors to the new headquarters will be provided with a customized skiff (named "Tender Loin") that will ferry agents, staff, copious red wine for the loins, and media between the mainland and the red-wine-red-light district. It will stop when required at the floating casino in the harbour.

 

More on this story as it evolves…