LCBO to change its name, direction, and consumer data...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 viewers every night, is proud to present a new investigative journalism show: The LCBO Today…Premiering Fridays at 9PM. Here's a sneak look at out first story …

 

In a move designed to regain control of its place in the Ontario government system, The Grate McGinty has decided to rebrand the LCBO. Formerly known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty, it will now be known as the Losing Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Loosely Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Why the subtle change? Said a spokesperson, "It was time for a change. We got tired of being hammered all the time by the Foxy Wine News Network, and decided to re-brand in order to get out from under their sharp eyes."

 

McGinty has hinted that other changes were afoot. The Crown Corp has quietly changed its Sugar Codes, in effect for well over 50 years, to be more urbane so consumers will not have to dodge the question of whether they like their wines sweet or dry. Said one consumer, "I usually like my red wines with upfront jammy fruit, and I got tired of seeing a Sugar Code of 2 or more. Now, it is just labelled "Dry" because there is enough finishing acid to compensate."

 

The Losing Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Loosely Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty appears to have gone even further: the alcoholic content of wines on its website catalogue disappeared overnight, causing great concern among consumers used to bragging about drinking high alcohol non-Amarone wines at the 15 to 16 per cent level.

 

Said one consumer, "It's a macho thing: not only do I drink it, I tell other consumers in a game of one-up-man-ship, I was there first. I did it, I drank it."

 

Is the LCBO indeed "losing control"? Stay tuned for the four part series, beginning Friday, April 27, 2012 at 9 PM DST, on the Foxy Wine News Network….

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

Dean Tudor, Ryerson University Journalism Professor Emeritus
Treasurer, Wine Writers' Circle of Canada
Look it up and you'll remember it; screw it up and you'll never forget it.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

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Posted By Dean Tudor to FauxVoix VinCuisine at 4/25/2012 08:38:00 PM

LCBO to rebrand as ABCO, announcement forthcoming later today

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 daily TV viewers, has just learned of momentous changes coming to the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Apparently, in a brave attempt to reinvent itself, the LCBO will be assuming new branding and new revenue opportunities. A press conference has been called for later today, after the Eastern markets close, at about 5:30 PM DST.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

What our sources suggest is this:

 

First, the LCBO property at Queens Quay and Lake Shore will not be available for sale. It will remain with Ontario, A Have–Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Second, the property will be re-configured as a combination store. Leading the way with dramatic changes are Daniel Libeskind (think ROM) and Jack Diamond (think Four Seasons Centre). Yes, there will be a Crystal, and "maybe" it will be a "Diamond Crystal".

 

Third, the LCBO will be renamed to closer reflect the intent of the new operating agency: ABCO -- Alcohol, Brothel, and Casino Ontario.

 

The Ontario, A Have-Not Province, announcement will concern the re-adjustment. The ABCO will be responsible for developing alcohol sales, brothel operations, and casino gambling in Ontario, beginning with the Jumbo Palace at Queens Quay. The Brothel will be constructed as a see-through Crystal so that everyone can look at what is happening through its transparency; the Diamond facility will concern the Casino's gambling activities; and the Alcohol sales will remain in its drab but lucrative lustre. It is expected that traffic will flow from one to another with ease, especially through the Austrian whorehouse motif of Brothel Ontario.

 

Said Flighty Dwighty, Ontario's Have-Not Minister of Finance (with cabinet responsibility and accountability for the ABCO), "It's not a casino. It's an entertainment destination with take-out. It will likely be unparalleled in the country. These palaces have some of the finest shopping, restaurants, convention facilities, park spaces, open spaces -- imagine an anchor that could create a golden mile on Toronto's waterfront and that's quite possible." (Globe Tuesday April 10/12, pA10).

 

Sources also say that it will be an all-in-one vice operation under close police control.

 

On the one hand, the Ontario Government of a Have-Not Province will lose out on the $200 million appraisal of the Queens Quay property. But on the other hand, it won't cost more than one billion dollars to re-design and refurbish the existing buildings and warehouse for a combined alcohol-brothel-casino operation.

 

Where else could you find three male pleasures under one roof (with take-out), especially when it rains? More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

April job offer at LCBO

TODAY is April 1, 2012 – also known as April Fool's Day, 2012. To me, it is the most sacred day of the year as it is the one day that I am TOTALLY serious…the rest of the year is a joke, fodder for FauxVoixVinCuisine.

 

Accordingly, I'd like to announce that I'll soon be getting a new job: Toronto Marketing Manager at the LCBO. They were "looking for a smart, creative and likeable superstar to join our marketing team. As a Marketing Manager, you will lead the strategic and creative development of in-store promotions and multi-media advertising designed to promote LCBO products, generate increased store traffic and sales, and deliver an engaging customer experience."

 

They like me for my "Superb verbal and written communication skills to effectively manage staff, direct agencies, designers, photographers and copy writers, and to deliver briefings and presentations." As well as my "Strong creative eye and the ability to produce beautifully designed and compelling communication pieces."

 

But first, I need to "Develop strategic marketing plans based on research and analysis, consumer insights, and trends that deliver measurable sales results and customer engagement."

 

With my contacts Brett Grimsby and Miffed Mole, I can "Plan, create and implement highly engaging promotions that highlight LCBO as a world-class retailer of beverage alcohol products, a destination for entertaining inspiration and a friendly and approachable source for product knowledge." I can also "Plan, develop and execute in-store POP, merchandising, brochures, free-standing inserts, ROP, radio, out-of-home, TV, and digital communications."

 

Once I start this job, I'll honourably resign as Treasurer and Member of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada (conflict-of-interest by-laws), but, of course, after I transfer the several hundred thousand dollars in the Treasurer's account over to my offshore interests…

 

So:  there will be plenty of gravy available for my fellow WWCC cohorts and colleagues. I'll be calling on you to help supply me with ideas and copy, for which I will pay and for which you will receive credit. I'm looking forward to it all. And you know what? There's probably an app for this job…I'm just sayin'…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to raise prices 50% on high alcohol wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, always enjoyed by 4,000 weeknight watchers, has just learned from our sources that The Grate McGinty's Minority Ontario Government, a Have-Not Government in Canada, will be seeking more money from the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this leaked story, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may be imminent with tomorrow's budget, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

According to a spokesperson from the LCBO, the Darth "Vader" Grabinsky report commissioned to assess ways and means of revenue generation at the LCBO actually included an idea on raising wine prices.

 

Lax Oversight, the LCBO spokesperson who subsequently denied that his conversation was "on the record", said that the Ontario Budget will propose an immediate 50% increase in the base price of all wines sold in Ontario which exceed 12.5% Alcohol By Volume (ABV). Those fruit bombs are going to cost more money beginning Tuesday March 27, at 5PM. This is supposed to be part of the LCBO's "Return to Normalcy" campaign, in an effort to reduce the higher alcohol levels in wine and produce more revenue at the same time.

 

Foxy Wine News Network will stay on top of this story and will report further as new developments emerge…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Deal with Grabinsky and Ontario Government over Ontario Alcohol

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – There's been a recent development in the perceived takeover of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that a deal has been negotiated with Darth Grabinsky, who is currently serving time for a range of wrong-doings. According to high-ranking officials, the Minority Have-Not Government of Ontario has bargained with the convicted Grabinsky, giving the former entrepreneur one week to take over the LCBO and to fix it in exchange for a major reduction to his sentence, in essence setting him free.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

After determining that the current flak about contrived wholesale prices could not be resolved by conventional means, Ontario wine agents confronted Grabinsky and proposed a mutually beneficial arrangement that will make him (in conjunction with the Ontario legal system) a free man if he can safely get in and get out and turn around the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Said Miffed Mole: "Basically, he's agreed to the mission. There's a strong chance that he'll go rogue once he realizes it is all but hopeless, so we've implanted a tracking device in his body. We're also prepared with backup. Mayor SchadenFord of Toronto has agreed to come in with us on this: he wants "subways not LRTs (Licensed Restrictions on Tipples)", so this is perfect timing. Since he is now in danger of being dismissed as Mayor, we have his utter co-operation for a potentially hefty buyout – he won't go rogue, so we won't have to dig through his body to plant a device."

 

Byzantine expert Grabinsky is expected to sort his way through a maze of complex multiple-source spending, revenue-sharing, and tax credit advantages to juggle the substantial costs of the wholesale system.

 

The Foxy Wine News Network, which, like every news organization, doesn't know anything about economics beyond arithmetic and paycheques, will be hiring outside consultants to advise its news presentations.

 

More on this story as it unfolds tomorrow…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

GOSH: Foxy Wine News Network Clarifies Queens Quay LCBO Story

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, now watched intensely by over 4,000 viewers every week night, would like to issue a correction re-call notice.

 

Foxy Wine News Network would like to re-call the story we put out on January 14, 2012. It was a feature about "critter wines" and the imploding Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. The feature was about animal wine labels cluttering up the Queens Quay warehouse to such a level that pest control units (PCUs) had to deal with the SKUs and clear out the vermin.

 

This was the item that formed the basis for the necessary sale of the land at Lake Shore, Freeland, and Queens Quay, supposedly worth a quarter of a billion dollars.

 

Foxy Wine News Network wishes to apologize for not drawing your attention to the fact that there is no agreement on whether there is an apostrophe in Queens, or that Quay is pronounceable only if you are French.

 

Additionally, Foxy Wine News Network mistakenly reported that the story was written in January 2012. We meant to write it in 2009. Foxy Wine News Network regrets the error.

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

RE: HoseMaster of Wine

Hi Dean,

 

We have sold our wine brands to Concha y Toro.

 

Could you kindly unsubscribe me.

 

Thanks, Brad

 

 

 

From: Dean Tudor, Wine Writer [mailto:dtudor@pathcom.com]
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 5:36 PM
To: blog4
Subject: HoseMaster of Wine

 

 

The Hosemaster is back!!  The funniest wine blog on the Internet (after my own FauxVoixVinCuisine, of course)...Take a look..it is compelling!!

 

http://hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com/

Foxy Wine News Network apologizes for VQA stand-ins at ceremony last year

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, admired and watched by over 4,000 viewers each week night, wishes to issue an unreserved and sincere apology.

 

Last year, during the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, Sip and Savour activities, six of the VQA wines attending a "reaffirmation" ceremony for Ontario Wine Week in the Foxy Wine News Network studios turned out not to have been recently minted VQA wines after all. They were actually ICBMs, the International and Canadian Blended Moguls on sale at various private wine stores and even at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. The bottles were told to smile and wave, and salute the flag as if they meant it.

 

The director of the ceremony was told by the Grower and Wine Allianz of Ontario to produce it like a school play. It was meant to be a soft news story, as are most of the segments on the Foxy Wine News Network.

 

The Foxy Wine News Network did not intend to deceive its viewers. It was only in good fun, and we wish to express our full insincerity over this matter. Starting tomorrow, the private wine stores have agreed to offer $2 off any ICBM wine that was on our television program. To get the toonie reduction, all you have to do is identify which label was on the show, and buy the bottle. We're not going to tell you; you must have watched and memorized the show. We have also taken down that particular segment from YouTube.

 

According to custom, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, will automatically raise the wholesale price a similar amount, to compensate for the manufacturers' losses.

 

More on this apology after the CBC gets wind of it…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

HoseMaster of Wine

The Hosemaster is back!!  The funniest wine blog on the Internet (after my own FauxVoixVinCuisine, of course)...Take a look..it is compelling!!

 

http://hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com/

Infused Twinkies Come to Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has learned today that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is poised to make a serious announcement at a Press Conference tomorrow.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this serious story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next day, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Grimsby tells Fox that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario has purchased the rights from Hostess, the now twice-bankrupt food company, to continue the manufacture of Twinkies.

 

Grimsby goes on: "Our sources tell us that this version of Twinkies will be wine-soaked and available as a POS purchase by the cash register. The LCBO, in collusion with the Wine Council and Drinks Ontario, has forged a relationship with several international and domestic wineries to custom craft a delicious blend of wines. There will be a red wine and a white wine version. The LCBO Lab is working on a sparkling version for ceremonial events such as birthdays and holidays. The domestic sherry version will be available to the usual rubbies."

 

All of this will be announced sometime tomorrow after the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, comes up with a pricing formula. At the presser, there will be a distribution of recipes -- and samples -- for tiramisu, apple charlotte, and trifle. These will later be found at the checkout cashier, minus the samples.

 

And in line with Twinkies' history, the wine-soaked versions will have a permanent shelf life....

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

Ontario's alcohol bottle deposit system expands to South East Asia?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just under 4,000 people every weeknight, has just learned that forensic accountants have been busy poring over the "recycle" books.

 

There have been loud rumours for some time that many of the bottles returned for their deposit fees have later gone missing. Apparently, the priority model for recycling is first to "reuse", and the rules have been diligently followed.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

The word on the street that has filtered to our reporters is that certain key empty bottles of wine, for example some French chateaux bottles or boutique cult California bottles, seem to have made their way over to South East Asia, principally to the emerging wine countries of Vietnam and Cambodia.

 

Cartons have been seen loaded into containers for shipment to the West Coast and then sent further east by cargo freighters. The suspicion is that these bottles are being re-filled in Asia with native brew and then passed off as Bordeaux or Napa wines – according to whatever the "recycled" label states. There have already been loud rumours that this is what had been happening with used Ontario VQA Icewine bottles.

 

Said a government spokesperson, "All we know is that we got a reasonable request for specific types of recyclable bottles, for which we were being paid a premium. It was another source of revenue-generation for the Good People of Ontario. It was all laid out in the letter of agreement sent to us by a Mr. Cosmo Kramer. As of the end of the year, we were still honouring that letter, and we were still being paid. We'll get a windfall from the Christmas and New Year bottle returns.

 

He went on, "At least they didn't ask for a reciprocal purchase and shelf listing for snake wine."

 

Meanwhile, Foxy Wine News Network is still awaiting the forensic report…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com